I'm beginning to feel again

I'm beginning to feel again, originally uploaded by wendy_l_wareham.

YES!! We had sunlight today. Praises on high. I went out to a field that was pristine. Not a mark in the snow. I trudged up the hill through snow a foot deep lugging my camera case, tripod, purse, and props bag. I had just set up when a spaniel name Walter came tearing down across the snow, running in circles, bounding into the underbrush and back out again, ran to touch me with his nose, ran back...in short, he ruined about 60 full yards of snowfield in about 45 seconds flat.

After driving 11 miles to find this field, goofy, gleeful, oblivious Walter destroyed it before I could get one single shot. So I did the only thing that I could do: I laughed, snapped some blurred pictures of a tongue-lolling, ears-flapping, I'm-so-happy-to-be-alive dog. Walter didn't bother me at all. His owner, however, annoyed me. But I tend to like animals better than people anyway. I never have to doubt an animal's motives.

Anyway, I snapped happily away for a couple of hours, thinking about how I felt like I was coming back to life at long last. I felt a bit like Persephone--abducted into the dark underworld for months and now just starting to emerge again into the land of the living.

I will spare all the details. Suffice to say that someone I gave up a lot of time for, worried about, prayed for, and cared about for years left (the good part) and tried to eviscerate my self-confidence on the way out the door (that would be the bad part).

Despair not gentle reader, because this is not a tale of woe by a jilted lover. Nope. It's all about me, actually. It's about choosing to live in the moment or to live in a fantasy.

I lived a lot of my life for "someday." It was a strange sort of dreamlike thing, now that I look back on it. I thought I was living. But I was really waiting. Waiting for things to finally be the way I wanted them.

Dad used to always say, "Be careful what you wish for. You might get it." Never more prophetic words were ever spoken.

Much more painful than the lesson of appearances vs reality was the lesson of wasted time. And that was all on me. Hey, I'm human. I get angry once in a while and start to want to blame the other. But the truth is, I can't. It just wouldn't be true.

My teacher always said to me, "Real mastery is dwelling in the present moment. Real power is living there. Anything else is a fantasy or a memory. It's a bit of fluff on the wind, a cloud. What's real is what is right now. It's the only place you can be authentic. It's the only place you can be happy."

I thought I understood what she was saying then. I'm fairly certain that I have a better idea now. It's so not about what I have or don't have. It's all about who I am. And I'm realizing that I gave someone the power to almost take that away from me. That was my mistake.

But that was then. Right now, right here, I know who I am and what I'm about. And I'm pretty happy with it. If someone else doesn't think I'm good enough, well, I would be keeping my eye out for something that looks like Karma coming around the bend.

I'm not worried. Are you?

December

December, originally uploaded by wendy_l_wareham.

I've decided to try to do a portrait a month that might kind of capture a bit about my life in that month. I didn't set out to do it yesterday, but this photo kind of sparked the idea. Here's why.

This year has been a challenging one. I've found myself dealing with a lot of loss...friends, family, and even my beloved cat, Tink.

Despite all of this, I find a strange kind of contentment creeping into my life. I'm a bit startled by it. When I do fuss, it's usually about being alone so much. But when I have an opportunity to not be alone, I quickly realize that I have a precious few hours to rest and relax, pursue photography, writing and the other things that make me happy. It becomes very apparent to me that I like a LOT of alone time, creative time, and peaceful, quiet time.

So, as always, balance is the issue I will be looking at. Sometimes you have to push yourself out the door to be with people. Sometimes you have to say no, turn the phone off, and recover.

What does this have to do with a green garage, you might ask? It's more about me getting in front of the lens. The last year has been hard on me---about 40 extra pounds hard on me. And now that I'm in my early 50's, it takes a LOT to get it off. Getting in front of the lens is not easy for me. In fact, truth be told, I hardly recognize myself.

But I find there are things I want to say about myself, my life, that can only be done by putting myself out there in a new way. It's risky. I find I'm still attached to other people's approval. But more than that, I want my nieces, my friends to understand what I'm about.

I think it's because of the losses. So many questions that can never be answered now. So many conversations that can not take place. Such amazing lives that took so much wisdom and feeling and friendship with them.

I changed my profile picture on Facebook from the one with Tink in it to one of just me. I don't know why, but I felt it was time to put something up about my life now...my life without my dear little buddy. Maybe it's about being more authentic about who I am....52, single, no cat and 40 lbs heavier. But I think it's more about gratefulness, survival, the miracle of life marching on when it seemed like it wouldn't. It's about the incredible joy of a sunny day in December, the amusing quirkiness of a green garage all by itself, the freedom to spend a few hours doing something I love.

My Dad taught me photography. My Aunt bought me my camera. My friends, Madonna, JP, Sonya, John, Lance, would all be whispering in my ear, "Go for it! Enjoy it! Love every minute of your life." And Tink, well, she would have wondered why I dragged her to yet another field to watch me run back and forth like an idiot on a cold, windy day when we could be warm at home.

Maybe next month I'll delete their phone numbers and email addresses from my phone and my computer.

And maybe not.

In any case, I’m grateful for their lives, their advice, their friendship. And I’ll do everything I can to move forward as joyfully as I can because it’s not about them being gone. It’s about what they brought while they were here--love, wonder and joy.

It’s a lot to live up to. But I’m up for the challenge.

I Am Stretched On Your Grave

I Am Stretched On Your Grave, originally uploaded by wendy_l_wareham.

I like grave yards. There are so many stories there. Lives lived and lost, stones broken and unreadable,and those that remain to tell a bit about the life that was lived. All mute now.

Maybe it explains in part my need to write and take pictures. It's some kind of record of the thoughts and sights of one life. And maybe, some where, some time, someone will benefit from it. And maybe not.

In any case, I find that you can learn a lot about how people will live by learning a bit about what people think about dying. Do they think it's an ending? Do they think it's a continuation? Do they think they will be judged? It gives you a bit of insight into where they think they are headed and what responsibilities they do or do not have along the way.

What do I think? I have a bit of advantage. I have had two near-death experiences .... and more than my share of close calls. Death and I have always had a nodding acquaintance. I've visited, he's visited. We have an understanding.

So I'll share what I know. You can roll your eyes if you want to. I don't mind anymore. Because I'll be waiting to say, "I told you so" on the other side.

Here's what I know: It's all about love.

Yes. It really IS that simple. It's about the love you share, the love you deny, the love you withhold, the love you lavish, the love that is too painful to bear. The only thing you take with you, the only reality that matters is love.

Sounds easy, right? Au contraire!! Moving toward an understanding of love, of Agape, takes will and determination and discipline. It takes making a choice every time you interact. It takes a consciousness of love in your heart in the simplest encounters. There are always more and more places, more and more situations, more and more ways that we can express love.

It's a lot of work.

That's why I like grave yards. It reminds me that I'm working on a deadline. It reminds me not to dally, not to neglect to say loving things, to forgive, to extend myself -- not just to those who are easy to love, but to those who make it a bit more challenging.

It's a bit preachy, I know. But I figured I could get away with it since it's almost Christmas, and all.

So, love while you can. Remember those who are gone. Be gentle with yourself and all those you encounter.

Trust me when I tell you you'll rest a lot easier.

Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, and Blessings to All.