December

December, originally uploaded by wendy_l_wareham.

I've decided to try to do a portrait a month that might kind of capture a bit about my life in that month. I didn't set out to do it yesterday, but this photo kind of sparked the idea. Here's why.

This year has been a challenging one. I've found myself dealing with a lot of loss...friends, family, and even my beloved cat, Tink.

Despite all of this, I find a strange kind of contentment creeping into my life. I'm a bit startled by it. When I do fuss, it's usually about being alone so much. But when I have an opportunity to not be alone, I quickly realize that I have a precious few hours to rest and relax, pursue photography, writing and the other things that make me happy. It becomes very apparent to me that I like a LOT of alone time, creative time, and peaceful, quiet time.

So, as always, balance is the issue I will be looking at. Sometimes you have to push yourself out the door to be with people. Sometimes you have to say no, turn the phone off, and recover.

What does this have to do with a green garage, you might ask? It's more about me getting in front of the lens. The last year has been hard on me---about 40 extra pounds hard on me. And now that I'm in my early 50's, it takes a LOT to get it off. Getting in front of the lens is not easy for me. In fact, truth be told, I hardly recognize myself.

But I find there are things I want to say about myself, my life, that can only be done by putting myself out there in a new way. It's risky. I find I'm still attached to other people's approval. But more than that, I want my nieces, my friends to understand what I'm about.

I think it's because of the losses. So many questions that can never be answered now. So many conversations that can not take place. Such amazing lives that took so much wisdom and feeling and friendship with them.

I changed my profile picture on Facebook from the one with Tink in it to one of just me. I don't know why, but I felt it was time to put something up about my life now...my life without my dear little buddy. Maybe it's about being more authentic about who I am....52, single, no cat and 40 lbs heavier. But I think it's more about gratefulness, survival, the miracle of life marching on when it seemed like it wouldn't. It's about the incredible joy of a sunny day in December, the amusing quirkiness of a green garage all by itself, the freedom to spend a few hours doing something I love.

My Dad taught me photography. My Aunt bought me my camera. My friends, Madonna, JP, Sonya, John, Lance, would all be whispering in my ear, "Go for it! Enjoy it! Love every minute of your life." And Tink, well, she would have wondered why I dragged her to yet another field to watch me run back and forth like an idiot on a cold, windy day when we could be warm at home.

Maybe next month I'll delete their phone numbers and email addresses from my phone and my computer.

And maybe not.

In any case, I’m grateful for their lives, their advice, their friendship. And I’ll do everything I can to move forward as joyfully as I can because it’s not about them being gone. It’s about what they brought while they were here--love, wonder and joy.

It’s a lot to live up to. But I’m up for the challenge.